The Moment

After a very packed and tiring trip back from KL, I was beat.

Bringing this group of African clients to meet with EXIM Bank for financial support, but seemed like this Malaysian government bank has no interest in earning more money, the officer or the so called manager has a bad attitude, typical red tape. Did he know one of our customers is the Minister of Transport? This young manager if he doesnt know how to do business, doesnt know how to liaise with people, please shut up! Is this the attitude that a bank relationship manager should have? Dumb ass! We have been putting so much effort for getting this big project, and the stupid mouth just going to ruin this anytime. Malaysia really needs a better government who takes the money from the people and  really works and services for the people!

*A request for fair and clean election, and others in Kl on 12 Jan 2013. I was with clients at KLCC that time, and they were frightened by the protest.

Put the work aside, I really have to say that I did not expect any of you reading my blogs again! As I have had not updated it maybe for more than a year since 2011? Thanks for it! The most surprising thing, it is you who discover my last blog! I have been acting funny towards you ever since the breakup for like ten thousand years ago and you still reading my blog, this thing is totally out of my expectation. And well, I am still acting funny towards you. I guess I just dunno how to handle the awkward emotion…which i put a lot of my feeling in and tried very hard to abandon that feeling..and now I do not know how to react to it.

Thanks for you guys for the care and sharing for my little secret. But do not worry too much about that, if I wanna die, I wont cut my wrist because it might be weird to see my blood flowing but I do not wanna do anything about it.

Talk to a friend about life… I asked what is the purpose of life because all creatures, all livings and human are born to die. Buddha also said life is suffering. Why shall we live in this world? The friend answered ” in Buddhism, we are here to return the debts for our past lives.” But I am not the one in my past life, I know nth about my past life, why should I use this life to return the debts that I did not owe. So in the end, to conclude by this friend ” Just live lorh”, just live for the sake of alive and living. I am rather surprised that we have the same thinking about suicide, the best way to suicide with no pain, no blood, just close your eyes and die “seemingly” peacefully. I think I am very curious about afterlife. How is it gonna be? 

I just realized this morning, how much changes in myself, my life and my everything. I just read some of my old blogs. I once was that someone who had a clear mind, clear thinking..well although not crystal clear but it is obviously clearer than now or recent these few years. I might be lost for quite some time and not doing anything to it, and keep sinking. I am like porcupine, overprotecting myself from getting any hurts, any kind of hurts. I do not trust people, do not think there is someone out there who can shares or just gives selflessly or treating me with a true heart.

This is not the first time that “die” comes to my mind, sad to say this. Do you think you are a normal person? Can you answer it without trying lie or cheat to yourself? I read an article, it says, “Nobody is normal.” Do you agree?

Every morning when I open my eyes, I feel so bad and ask God to let me go. The moment when i open my eyes and gain my mind back….i feel disgusted by the world..? I do not know. If only if, everytime I open my eyes, I can see the world just as I just born to this world, to see the world with innocence, purity, curiosity. I will be very willing to wake up in every morning. 






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